Click Ass For Kick Ass & Other Random Adventures!

So yet again I’m faced with returning after a considerable amount of time, and for my fans (all 72 of you on Facebook) I apologise for my absence! To the rest of you, I still aren’t producing enough traffic so get telling your friends and family, and even people you don’t know… perhaps it’ll be a good way to start a conversation with that ‘hot guy from the gym’ or even ‘the fat bastard from the chip shop!’ Anyway I digress, it’s time for me to do what I do best and ramble (Not the country walking!) In this episode I guess I’ll bring you up to date with a few things I’ve been doing/watching and then this will probably fuel me to write a full feature blog… we can only hope!

First off let me thank Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn for putting together the screenplay for the best film of 2010. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that ‘Kick-Ass‘ will remain the movie of 2010, it’s certainly going to take something spectacular to even put a dent in it’s reputation! If you still haven’t taken a stroll down to your local cinema, (or a cinema that isn’t so local), to see the movie then I must ask “Why the fuck not?”

Kick-Ass has been adapted from it’s original comic book which was written by the mighty Mark Millar (who was also the creator of ‘Wanted’, the film adaptation of this comic book however, did not do him justice!) You really should read the comic book first to fully appreciate how much effort has been put into making the movie an authentic experience! Fantastic performances from everyone in the cast. Little known Aaron Johnson (John Lennon – Nowhere Boy) makes his ‘major film’ debut as Kick-Ass, and I hope that this role forwards his career. Credit also goes to Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Red Mist), Nicolas Cage (Big Daddy) and thank God for the introduction of actress Chloe Moretz playing the fantastic role of ‘Hit Girl‘. The film has been expertly directed, and the choreography of the fight sequences are quite possibly the best I have ever seen! The soundtrack is also fantastic, sporting the coolest theme tune ‘Stand Up’ by ‘The Prodigy’… You all really need to buy it to fully appreciate the hand picked tunage! Overall this film is the complete package. Unfortunately I am not going to disclose any plot lines, because I feel you really have to experience Kick-Ass on the cinema screen and on paper yourselves. I therefore am going to leave this miniature review here, and tell all of my readers to get out there and see it… Go NOW, seriously, this article will still be here when you get back!!!

My second shout out goes to the first feel good film of 2010 Blind Side. The true life story of NFL star Micheal Oher, growing up as ‘Big Mike’ (Quinton Aaron) a boy who has a crack whore for a Mother and it’s anyones guess who his Father was/is! The plot is summed up as thus (ahem!) Poor 7 foot tall black boy built like a brick shit house gets enrolled at a posh school but is thick! He sleeps on random sofas and doesn’t have a fixed address so sometimes roams the streets. Cue Sandra Bullock playing MILF Leigh Anne Tuohy, who is a rich white woman with Southern American accent which is actually quite enticing! She see’s ‘Big Mike’ roaming said streets and basically adopts him into her family. All credit goes to Sandra Bullock, who up until this role I haven’t really rated as an actress. But anyway, in the meantime ‘Big Mike’ finds that because of his size he makes a great American football player in the position of a ‘blind side’ (Obvious title choice!) In the end he’s legally adopted by the Tuohy’s and lives happily ever after making hundreds of thousands of dollars playing in the NFL! To be honest I’ve just read the summary back to myself and I haven’t made it sound too appealing, (other than the Sandra Bullock bit,) but ‘Blind Side’ really is quite a good film if you fancy seeing a movie which leaves you with a warm, fuzzy feeling which I can only describe as the feeling you get after giving the ‘Big Issue’ seller a quid. It is a film that for a while restores faith in humanity… but only for a while! Go see it to save yourself giving away that quid to the tramp!

In other news if you tuned into ITV1 on the 15th of April at around eight thirty pm, you would have been watching ‘The Live Political Debate‘. A programme to allow the three major political parties to bullshit the population of the UK in the run up to the elections on the 6th of May. I don’t want to turn this blog into a political war horse, so I am only going to comment on the format of the show, which made me think how it could have been improved. The layout was a stage with three podia (I love that word!) behind which stood Nick Clegg (Lid Dems), the unnaturally smooth, smug face of David Cameron (Conservatives) and our current Prime Minister Gordon Brown (Labour) who has always looked like a domesticated grizzly bear! They stood before what I can only describe as a gathering of dimwits who where picked to apparently represent the widest range of the UK’s population. There was even a token priest that looked like a ginger ‘Dougal’ from ‘Father Ted’ who must have been there to represent Channel 4 comedy?

The whole hour and thirty minutes was dictated by Alastair Stewart, the only man in the world other than the evil David Dimbleby, that could probably get away with slapping the Prime Minister. He insured that each of the leaders stuck the the allotted time slot of about two minutes, and stopped them mid sentence on numerous occasions, getting angry if any of them tried to finish. The leaders each had  minute introduction before the debate began, which reminded me a little of how the teams on ‘Egg Heads’ introduce themselves, “My name is Nick. I enjoy secluded areas of the A1079, and my specialist subject is bullshitting the Nation!” At the end of the show each leader was then given a one and a half minute slot to sum up the reason you should vote, much akin to the “Take Care Of Yourselves, And Each Other” spiel from the Jerry Springer Show. I would have improved it by putting the vote to the nation like ‘Britains Got Talent’, Get Simon Cowell, Duncan Bannatyne and Sir Alan Sugar on a panel with red push buttons, when on pressing them opens up a trapdoor, beneath which are some starved Lions? Or better still channel 4 could adopt a Big Brother style programme in which the political leaders must live in the same house together and be handed tasks to complete for a Month, the overall winner will then be sworn into the Prime Ministers role! Now that would make the trip to put a card with an X in a box a little less tedious don’t you think?


Here’s a little song to get you through the day!


The Difficult Return Post!

Ok Ok, So It’s been a while since my last post… sue me! I’ve had a lot on recently, and anyway you didn’t put me in the top 10 up and coming blogs on WordPress, so I feel that is reason enough for me not to apologise to you! But anyway a little less of the bitterness and let me turn my attention to One Born Every Minute (Channel 4), a show most definitely not for the faint hearted! The first problem I have with the show is who exactly are it’s intended target audience? It would seem to me that it can’t be aimed at expectant parents, as the show features parts that would give Nadya Suleman second thoughts! Also it figures that this show is not intended for the male audience, and any man that can say “I watched that and quite enjoyed it!” or “I have it series linked on sky plus” really needs to get some help, you freak! The audience it does seem to attract however (and for reasons unknown) are brooding women and over 50’s women, who enjoy taking the opportunity of boasting “Been there, done that and with less support” at any opportunity, evilly grinning when the expectant Mother’s pain becomes unbearable!

If you haven’t watched the programme, you really have saved yourself from a lot of grimacing, cowering, making excuses to wash the pots and unexpectedly hating some of the awaiting Mothers & Fathers! Kelly was one I took a particular dislike too! In the episode she was expecting her Fifth child and it would seem she had only gotten pregnant to get high on gas and air, which I hasten to say that I probably paid for! She spent the better part of the labour being a spoilt shit and not doing as the midwife had told her despite being told that how she was laid was bad for the baby. Oh no Kelly was too stoned to give a shit about this and also obviously an expert in child birth that she refused at every attempt! Long and short of it, the drug riddled child entered the world with minor complication probably as a result of the previous births and all the family was happy, apart from Kelly who I think was probably too out of it to know what had happened or was thinking about her next fix off of the NHS! As you can probably tell, this woman infuriated me for some reason that I can’t quite pin point!

I’ve been on the official website to do a bit of research for this post, and was highly amused to see that the world had posted little comments for all of the parents who featured on the show! Even one stating ‘It’s a small world, I met you in Spain and I’m up the duff too!’ or something along them lines, I’m just paraphrasing! Channel 4 has now given the opportunity for the world to become the potential new best friends of the new parents! Mental!

The programme however, did produce a right couple of gems! First time parents Joy and Fabio should be given there own prime time television show for their entertaining rendition of childbirth! Channel 4 really should have called the programme ‘The Joy & Fabio Show‘ as it would have attracted higher viewing figures! The couple argue, bicker and disagree through the entire labour with snippets of comedy gold presented in the form of Fabio! If the programme is to be watched it would solely be for these two! Joy’s comic timing is impeccable, delivering lines such as “I don’t want a fat baby” with the skills of a top class sitcom actress!

So come on Channel 4, cater to the masses ‘The Joy & Fabio Show‘ could replace that bullshit show ‘A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away‘ and probably improve figures Tenfold! On a more positive note for channel 4, I’m loving the title for their show this evening at half past Seven, ‘White Boy, Black Nanny‘ which conjures images of Chris Tucker and Martin Lawrence with perhaps Owen Wilson or Jackie Chan thrown in there for good measure! I should really watch it tonight and review it, I didn’t even read what it was really about, I don’t want to shatter the dream!


Here’s Joy and Fabio’s Television Debut, Enjoy… Well Try To!

Edge Of Seats For Edge Of Darkness

Welcome back Mr Gibson, and what a great come back it is. His first major acting performance since 2002, Gibson plays Detective Thomas Craven a veteran Boston homicide cop, who is also a single Father to 24 year old Daughter Emma (Bojana Novakovic), his only child. Emma returns home for an apparent vacation from her job, where she soon develops odd symptoms of vomiting blood, before totally freaking out and screaming at her Dad to take her to a Doctor, and also declaring that ‘There’s something I should have told you!‘. The ungrateful cow then gets blown away in a drive by shooting on her Father’s doorstep without even telling him what it was he needed to be told (evidently the plot would have ended here but it would have been nice!) Initially the shooting was thought to have been intended for Detective Thomas Craven himself, but as he drops into detective mode he starts to uncover Emma’s secret life as an activist and begins his decent into a deep dark cavern of a government conspiracy!

Cue the help of a man working for the government, solely for the purpose of covering things up so this conspiracy doesn’t rear it’s seedy little head. This man is called Jedburgh, and he’s played by returning cockney hard-man Ray Winstone! But I’m afraid that from his first appearance in the film I couldn’t help but see him in the Bet365 adverts and was half expecting him to go into his spiel: “ is all about the inplay, it’s all about The Next Person Killed, The Number Of Suspects, The Time It Takes You To Solve The Mystery, The Number Of Bullets Fired, The Final Prediction Of The Plot-line!” It was however quite nice to see him back on the big screen doing things other than his sell out adverts, and his character was everything you would expect. Just Ray, in his black suit/white shirt combo, being really cockney! But being serious for just a moment, Winstone gives a pretty good performance, once you see past the adverts, and by the end of the movie you’ll find yourself really warming to the character.

Mel Gibson plays the part of Thomas Craven absolutely superb, showing that he hasn’t just rehashed previous characters from past movies and has infact proven why he is still considered as a talented actor. Thomas Craven as a character is one that I really took a shine to, and I would even say that he’s been my favourite character in a movie for quite some time. It was a shame that he would only be making one outing in ‘Edge Of Darkness‘ (Warner Brother’s, is it too much to ask for you to do a couple of prequels, so we, or at least I can see Thomas Cravens back story? Please!) It would also seem that Thomas Craven has done for Ginger Ale what James Bond did for Martini, asking for one whenever the opportunity presented itself. The only downside to Mel Gibson’s performance is that his Boston accent sometimes slipped into Family Guy’s Peter Griffin, but it did present opportunity for another Family Guy feature length movie spoof so I’ll let it slip!

Little do people know is that the movie is actually a remake of a television series of the same name from the 80’s, made here in old Blighty for the BBC (God Save The Queen!) It’s a series that I haven’t actually seen yet, however the roller coaster ride of a storyline in the film, and a mild love affair with the character of Thomas Craven has driven me to purchase the original series, and that’s something I don’t do very often!

Overall, although I know we’re hardly into it, Edge Of Darkness has put itself firmly in my best films of 2010 list and I would recommend you all to get your asses to the cinema to see it, if not for the excuse to watch a decent thriller at least to see what you think of Mel Gibson’s superb Peter Griffin impression! So stick it to the jews and get yourself to the nearest cinema to watch Gibson in action… Go now, what you waiting for!


(As usual, here’s the trailer!)

‘Not My Fault I’m Fat’… Apparently!

So I was sat at a friends house watching television today when I stumbled across an absolute gem of a television programme on some satellite channel called simply ‘Not My Fault I’m Fat!‘ This particular episode (Yes it’s a series!) consisted of a boy called Hamousa who was 15 years old and weighed, well lets just say he was fat for his age! Hamousa’s parents go on to say that it is not their fault that their son is so overweight, however we see in the random clips of Hamousa’s every day routine that this may be a bit of a lie. For breakfast he is served a pile of pancakes which he hungrily devours followed closely for seconds a chocolate muffin or two. Later that day he eats a bowl of pasta… healthy you may think? The bowl is the size of a mixing bowl and is drowned in a vat of mayonnaise! Very shortly this is followed by a pie. He takes his first two courses of the day in his favourite armchair, not his favourite by choice you understand but because the chubby little fucker can’t be arsed to move anywhere else until at least late afternoon! This is unless his Mother asks him to put out the laundry (The Bitch!) This simple task, other than walking to the fridge and various cupboards around the house to gorge on crisps and buns, seems to be the only true form of exercise little (big!) Hamousa does through the entire show! So his parents are most definitely not to blame for feeding raw fat to their under exercised son, so who else could be? Let’s look for a second at the shows title ‘Not MY Fault I’m Fat!‘, this clearly states that Hamousa himself is not to blame, however there is substantial evidence against the defendant I’m afraid, as little Hamousa (I’m going to stop calling him little now incase people ridicule me for being patronising!) has ample opportunity to try and get himself back into shape, by eating 3 pies a day instead of 6, and only having one course of food per daily meal! Also rather than only taking the washing out, perhaps he could bring it in later in the day too? (Just a thought!) Anyway as the title clearly states He’s not to blame, so who is? Not his family and friends because they make that very clear between Hamousa’s busy feeding schedule, so who?! This is where the little (I did it again!) chubby twat makes me roll around on the floor, much akin to the way Hamousa would roll about on the floor, just I’d be laughing, and would be able to get up afterwards without the use of 6 friends or a crane! He decides that it is the food companies that are to blame for making all the food he likes so damn nice, and fattening! Now I’m impartial to the odd ‘Krusty Creme‘ donut, however I also know that more than one without exercise everyday will make you fat! It would seem our foreign fatty doesn’t grasp this simple equation or perhaps he just can’t be arsed to think logic anymore! So damn you food companies for making kids like Hamousa fat, as it would seem you’re entirely to blame!

I did a little more digging on the subject and stumbled across a story on ‘The Fattest Kid In The World‘ and this may sound a little harsh, but she’s fucking HUGE! I’ll give you a few excerpts from the article:

Seven-year-old Jessica Gaude differs greatly from her pals. With 420 lbs, she is the fattest child in the world.

No shit she differs!

She eats 10,000 calories each day in Coca-Colas, 15 hamburgers with fries and several kilograms of chocolate. What she eats in one day some children eat in half a year. Her breakfast consists of white bread, potato chips and two litres of coke. And she wants more.

You see there’s the problem… It’s definitely the white bread that’s doing it! The article goes on to say that her mother stockpiled the food Jessica wanted because she threw a tantrums if they had to go pick things up from the store, and that she had to result to rolling and dragging herself along the floor as she was too fat to walk! Luckily there’s a happy end to this story because this was filmed in 2005 and therefore there’s been plenty of time for kids to try and beat her record for  ‘World’s Fattest Child‘ and also the child protective services rescued her from her home of food and put her on a strict diet and exercise programme, literally forcing her to loose weight to stop her from dying… Personally I would have told her to keep the weight on, she looks fucking miserable as a skinny kid!

It would seem that Britain as a nation has been holding a love affair for the lives of fat people for a few years now. Every satellite channel has at least one half hour slot dedicated to a fat person or fat people. The affair goes so far that I flicked over a channel showing ‘Worlds fattest pets‘ (I feel sorry for them because they really don’t have a choice do they!) ‘Inside Britain’s fattest Man‘, ‘Fat Beauty Contest‘ (Yes fat people aren’t just fat!) ‘Fat Pets‘, ‘Fat Pets, Fat Owners‘, ‘Fat Doctor‘ (Now I’ve haven’t actually watched Fat Doctor, but I really hope it’s simply an overweight doctor handing out prescriptions in his surgery!) ‘Morbidly Obese‘ (Oh yes obese is another word for fat!) ‘Half Ton Man‘ (Sounds a bit like a superhero, however I don’t think eating is a super power!) You see what I mean, that is the smallest selection of fat based shows I could think off the top of my head, but it definitely highlights a trend in our nations television watching. However topping the genre poll at the moment, are shows which involve ‘dancing‘ or ‘vampires‘ so I guess it wouldn’t come as too much of a shock for you when in a couple of months you see the advert for ‘Fat Celebrity Vampires Dancing On Ice‘!

Here’s The Link For The Story On Jessica Gaude (Simply For Context, Not Amusement…Honestly!)

Avatar, very much!

So I finally got round to seeing the film that people have been raving about for the last month or so! A film filled more blue people and special effects than that ‘Die Hard’ remake with ‘The Smurfs’! I am of cause talking about James Cameron’s blockbuster, Avatar.

The general gist of the story is simply this:

It’s the future, 2154 to be precise and us humans have taken a shine of nostalgia and gone back to going down t’ pit, to mine for this precious mineral called ‘Unobtanium‘ (Whoever thought of that name seriously needs shooting!) This ‘Unobtanium’ is found on the moon of ‘Pandora’ a planet which consists of some of the most lavish landscapes in cinema history, seriously David Attenborough would get aroused just looking at it, in-fact I think that he should do a documentary of ‘Pandora’ in the style of ‘Planet Earth‘ as a bluray/DVD extra! Anyway I digress, ‘Pandora’ is full of blue people things known as The Na’vi a tribe of humanoids which are a mixture of ‘The Smurfs’ and Playstation 3’s ‘Eyepet’! Now as is usually the case, the Humans medalling causes a little bit of an upset with the Na’vi’s, what with the total destruction of their planet and all, and it also seem that in the year 2154 that we don’t have any true political system as the human Marines really don’t seem to give a shit about diplomacy, instead opting to take orders from one or two people, Giovanni Ribisi’s character Parker Selfridge, who I still can’t add up what his role in the film was, technically his character may as well have been Frank Buffay Jr who had played the stocks at sometime after he was in ‘Friends’ and developed a building company that specialised in bulldozing foresty areas to the ground. The other character Col. Miles Quaritch, played by Stephen Lang wouldn’t look out of place in a Nineties ‘Street Fighter’ movie. He provides the films sinister edge and fuck the world mentality, a typical Jarhead?

Anyway I’m getting way ahead of myself, in the meantime a project has been developed to genetically modify a few bodies of the Na’vi people so that they can be used by the humans to interact with the Na’vi and hopefully end up striking a deal with them to share the ‘Unobtanium‘. Enter Corporal Jake Sully, a cripple in a wheelchair, who has been selected to become one of these hijacked Na’vi’s or Avatars (See there’s the title of the movie right there, Cameron you genius you!) Anyway he steps, or rather rolls out of the dropship at the beginning of the film to begin his life on Pandora as a Na’vi. The project is run by Sigourney Weaver or rather Dr. Grace Augustine, who mentors Jake as an Avatar and hopes that by doing this they can win over the trust of the Na’vi!

So that near enough brings us up to speed. Queue plot twist that Jake gets lost in the jungle of ‘Pandora‘ and winds up getting adopted by a tribe of Na’vi’s called ‘The Omaticaya’ by pure coincidence it would seem. He then falls in love Neytiri, the Princess of the Omaticaya and decides that he doesn’t want to be a human anymore, but wants to knock about with the blue people, so much so that he even does the dirty with Neytiri and turns his back on the human mining campaign!

I won’t spoil the films climax, but you can expect to see a big budget battle, with explosions a plenty, and lots of people screaming and the like with arrows and bullets being shot through various body parts!

The whole experience of the movie was to be immersed in its lavish surrounding, and that was presented to us in glorious 3D in a lot of cinemas. If you were unlucky enough to see the movie in regular/boring 2D then you may as well have not seen the film at all as 3D is what this film was made for.

Overall I was pleasantly surprised that the film lived up to the hype around it, however I’m not pleased to hear that Cameron has decided to make Avatar into a trilogy when really it could have just been left as a single movie and leave it as a truly magic piece of cinema. He now however runs the risk of destroying something near perfect with a string of follow ups, and no doubt a cartoon version of the series comes of in the near future as tends to be the trend these days! I hope that Cameron proves me wrong on this!


Watch Trailer here:

Ricky Gervais 2009: Science

So you join me once again as I regale you with stories from my back catalogue, which today involves my very recent jaunt to the ‘Manchester Apollo’ to see the legend that is Ricky Gervais or the ‘Cum Pig’ as he is now known! The show was fantastic, lasting a mere hour however that hour was crammed with comedy gold! Ever the one to offend, Ricky definitely didn’t fail us, having a pop at ‘Amanda Holden’, ‘Mongs’, ‘Gays’, ‘Gypsies’, ‘Fat people’, ‘Ken Dodd’, ‘The Church’ and even ‘God’ all for shits and gigs, using the charm offensive to make it somewhat acceptable!
The show was called ‘science’, however Ricky admitted that it was a bit of a lie because there wasn’t much talk of science at all really! One of the highlights was his depiction of ‘Noah’s Ark’ which was hilarious, using a book he was given as a child, he read it and took the piss out of the pictures and the words (you really have to see it for yourself to appreciate it!)

I was glad to see that Gervais had sacked off that pile of shite comedian Robin Ince as his support and gone for a much funnier Stewart Francis, showing that the art of the one liner is still very much alive and that Canada is producing comedians that the nation can be proud of!

Overall, although it wasn’t the longest show in the world (you don’t expect it from a two time Bafta winner anyway!) It was side splittingly funny and Gervais continues to prove that you don’t have to be PC all the time to make fans!

Nein Nein Nine!

Hello and welcome to another blog from yours truly. I have recently returned from the cinema, where myself and the Mrs watched a film so horrific that six people walked out after the first half hour. No I’m not talking ‘Paranormal Activity’, I’m talking Rob Marshals ‘Nine’! A film that could have been mistaken for a feature length ‘Chanel’ advert, just without Baz Luhrmann and with less of a budget! Nicole Kidman also stars in this film, however she gives a better performance in the two minute perfume advert. The only good thing that I can take from this film other than actually leaving the cinema, is the slutty, albeit painfully long performance of Penélope Cruz prancing around in her underwear and later trying to top herself… (“I’ll be here waiting for you…With my legs open” classic line!)
I have to admit I was rather disappointed to see that Kate Hudson kept most of her clothes on and only teasingly revealed a stocking top for a fraction of a second during the movie! Stacy Ferguson (Fergie to you and me) did bring something from the movie, and that was to stick to singing with the ‘Black Eyed Peas’ and not decide to pursue a career in the movie industry… No really Fergie, not even a cameo!
Dame Judi Dench and Sophia Loren appear to represent the ‘vintage bintage’ through the drawling, confusing story line, Loren as the Mother of Daniel Day-Lewis’ character ‘Guido’ and Dame Dench as a sort of posh Dot Cotton, perhaps the result of Dot studying a little harder at school… and moving to Italy?!
As this has turned into somewhat of a review I must therefore comment on all of the cast performances. Marion Cottilard does what she does best… looks pretty in a foreign kind of way and all credit must go to Day-Lewis… Not for his acting however, but for enduring the long drawn out filming of the movie (christ he even looked bored but at least he’s getting paid for it!)
Overall I must say as musicals go it was shite, and as films go it was also shite. So the sum up the film ‘Nine’ was double shite!

I hope that this little blog will save you from loosing two hours of your lives, if you still see it after reading may your death be quick and painless. Below is a link of the trailer, watch that instead!