R.I.P MCA (Adam Yauch) 1964-2012

So it’s been almost a year since my last official blog entry here on WordPress and it’s taken some sad news to be the catalyst to sit down in front of my very neglected computer and start to type! Honestly this introduction is what can only be described as stage fright in written format… Is it like riding a bike though? Once you’ve learnt how to do it you never forget… Anyway, no apologies for my lengthy absence, I just hope you’ve all been patient enough to wait around for me!

So the sad news was the recent passing of Adam Yauch (MCA) of ‘The Beastie Boys’, which I found out about as the news broke just over 24 hours ago. Now you might think that this is a bit of a weird thing to kick-start a blog that’s not had any active material for such a long time, but hear me out… This entry is a tribute to a man that has played a massive part in my life, a hero if you will! It’s not a blog about the death of Adam Yauch, but a celebration of his life and how he and the ‘Beastie Boys’ put their fingerprints on my life!

As most of you are probably aware by now Adam Yauch passed away yesterday (May 4th 2012) after a Three Year battle with a rare form of cancer. I found out the news in a hotel room in London after a shock ‘R.I.P’ post had been put up on a friends Facebook page. Instantly I’d opened the search engine to try and find out if this was true… MCA dead?! Surely just a badly timed rumor… And then there it was! Confirmation was like a baseball bat to the gut and it really took the wind out of my sails. Now I know you may think that this is a little dramatic (you didn’t know him!) but through his music and legacy I kind of do in a mad sort of way… I’m rambling!

With that I fired up Twitter put up a message ‘R.I.P MCA (Adam Yauch), So fucking sad! #beastieboysforlife’

The news was only just breaking when I posted that first tweet, but it wasn’t long before the world was finding out and tweeting their sadness, thoughts, and respects! I found myself retweeting celebrities tweets, about their memories of MCA and The Beasties and I sat there for a good few hours just reading all of these awesome accounts!

I first heard ‘The Beastie Boys’ when I was 10 years old with the release of Ill Communication (Their Second Triple platinum album!), which had the song that would later become the theme tune for myself and a group of close friends (Craig, Ben, Phil!) That song was ‘Sabotage’! I remember listening to the album over and over… and listening to it as it was intended to be listened to…LOUD! So many amazing tracks, ‘Sure Shot’, ‘Root Down’, ‘Get it together’… The kickass instrumental ‘Shambala’ and the great insider acoustic ‘Heart Attack Man’,

I think like every ‘Beastie’ fan out there, my parents weren’t fans of the sound at all! And this made me want to listen to them even more, to search out their earlier albums, and search and find I did! ‘Licensed to Ill’, The amazing album ‘Paul’s Boutique’ (The Beasties Sgt Pepper’s) and ‘Check your head’ being their 3 earlier studio albums, each one providing me with the music and lyrics to be in this exclusive club… I was a Beastie Boy!

I’m listening to the Beastie Boys now as I write this blog, each track bringing back some great memories, each time every track sounds fresh and like I’ve heard it for the first time again! I think that says a lot about the Beastie Boys… They’re timeless!

Needless to say from that day I first heard ‘Ill Communication’ back in ’94 I was hooked on every lyric, guitar riff, scratch, cut and baseline! And if you really listen to their first album ‘Licensed to Ill’ right through to they’re latest (perhaps now their last) album ‘Hot Sauce Committee: Part Two’ you’ll hear the perfect progression of music! Pure/Real Hip Hop! A tweet from Chromeo, summed the Beastie Boys up, ‘The Beastie Boys basically invented the concept of the cool white person!’ Too true!

Fair enough I wasn’t there at the start (I would have been I’m sure, but I was too young!) I wasn’t one of those stealing VW badges from cars and vans and wearing them around my neck (I have a couple now… completely legit 😉 ) However I can honestly say I’m a Beastie Boy For Life!

In 2009 I was so excited to see that The Beastie Boys was going to tour again and that they had announced that they were touring the UK (Finally this was my chance to see them live), unfortunately this was the year that Adam was diagnosed with cancer and through a heartfelt video message that was posted on they’re website Ad-Rock explained about MCA’s diagnosis and that they were cancelling a lot of the back end of they’re tour because of this! (This being The UK tour was cancelled.) I didn’t think at the time that this could have been my last chance to see them! Looking back at it now I am gutted I hadn’t gone out of my way to seen them earlier, they’re worth the price of airfares and hotels across in the States (CHRIST!)

Of course Adam Yauch wasn’t only known for his music, in later years he was a practicing Buddhist and became an important voice in the Tibetan Independence Movement! Also he was a great director, directing many of The Beastie Boys awesome music videos under the pseudonym Nathanial Hornblower! I recently watched ‘Awesome: I Fuckin’ Shot That’ (For about the 100th time) a concert film shot by Adam (Nathanial) in 2006 and I have to admit it is the best music concert film I have seen! Pure Class!

Those that know me personally will probably understand this blog a little better, they’ll know how much ‘The Beastie Boys’ mean to me, how much their music has been a part of my life and how gutted I am to not see them live or to experience the anticipation of another studio album! I’m simply trying to pour out my feeling in tribute to the loss of someone great in this blog entry!

I’ll wrap up by simply saying thank you Adam Yauch for your music, your lyrics, for founding the Beastie Boys back in ’79 as a hardcore punk band and progressing so far that every track leaves a solid imprint on you! If you’re reading this and you’re not familiar with The Beastie Boys then do yourself a favor and get aquainted!

Rest In Peace Adam Yauch (MCA) 1964-2012


Mojo out!


British Summertime (As Seen On Fluxone20.net)

Hello World Mojo here Once again!

Hope you haven’t missed me too much. So I guess I owe you all an explanation to my delay in posting up on here?! Well I’ve been working on this very article for a new i-magazine called ‘Fluxone20 (You should check it out, it’s all awesome!) It would seem that finally my work is getting noticed on a higher level and from the good comments I’m receiving for that (this) article it would seem that I actually have a few more fans to what I originally thought! It’s been nice to actually be working for someone for a change and to have an actual deadline to aim for… something about the ticking hands of a clock as time slips away towards a solid deadline that motivates you! So obviously this meant that I gave ‘Fluxone20’ the exclusivity to have my blog up first and thus haven’t posted here for a while! This along with my focus on my sister site ‘GamesOrca’ which is growing from strength to strength has caused me to be a tad distracted! So there, I’m sorry…

So here is the link to my article on ‘Fluxone20.net’ you really should check it out on there because they have done an amazing job, and it’s an amazing magazine full stop so spread the word!

Without further ado, here is the said article… enjoy!






The British Summertime, A time of year that is welcomed with open arms by an optimistic Nation! A time of year that has recently been know to be a bigger let down than the England football squad (In fact some would directly blame the England team for Summer’s downfall!) Well Great Britain, there is good news! A recent study by the boffins at Sheffield University has discovered that thanks to everyone spraying aerosols into the air, using cars that kick out more emissions than the crap coming out of Kerry Katona’s mouth, and generally polluting the planet has finally paid dividends! Global warming has apparently caused our summertime to come earlier…  So now we have less time to wait to be completely let down again!

I mean has it always been this way? My childhood was always filled with long hot summers; the type of summers that screenwriter’s base coming of age movies on. Larkin’ out from the first sign of sunlight and having to be dragged in by your Mams, way after your bedtime! The only time my Mum would ever see me during the summer hols was when I’d run in for a drink of juice or for brief moments when my tea was ready! Scraping knees and climbing trees, football in the park and riding around on my bike were what my summers consisted of! It’s not like it was back then for kids now-a-days, they’d rather stay in Tweeting, Facebooking or playing games on the Xbox about playing outside! Games like ‘Block’, ‘British Bulldog’ and ‘Real-E-O’ have all died a death now that you can do all the playing out you want from the comfort of your own front room! But less of the nostalgia!

Us Brits live for the moment the temperature edges above freezing and the sun thaws away the snow from the long harsh winter. Looking to the sky for that first sign of a break in the cloud, longing for those UV rays to frazzle us to a crisp! And when the sun finally creeps out from where it’s been hiding we reach straight for the sun cream. Phone calls are made to friends and family looking for the confirmation that the summer has arrived. Our somewhat instinctive nature takes over, heading for the nearest shop that stocks portable barbeques. A majority of Gentlemen loose that gentlemanly edge and sacrifice their shirts as an offering to the sun gods. Men with less then aesthetically pleasing torsos suddenly think they have a body like David Hasselhoff during his Bay Watch era and display it to the world. Women throw away their wooly numbers for a more revealing ensemble and like the effect the moon has on the tides of the sea this beckons builders to down tools and step outside to give the mating call of the wolf whistle! However some, shall we say, unique women take this new found attention as an opportunity to squeeze into ‘daisy dukes’ to show off token muffin tops and saddle bags!

For a Nation that is usually a tad moist at the best of times, it always surprises me to see that at some point during the summer the water firm imposes a hosepipe ban! Where exactly is all of our water going? I can only imagine that every household in Britain is holding epic water fights and filling Olympic sized swimming pools in their back gardens? It would seem that another summer tradition is Britain is that after longing for the sun to make an appearance through the winter months, and it eventually does arrive we complain that it’s too hot and generally overheat in the unusually high temperatures at the peak of the summer! Another thing I find odd about our Nation is that the O.A.P’s certainly don’t do themselves any favors during the summer months over here! It’s like the season creeps up on them over night and for a majority of them, they simply don’t realize… you must have seen some old dear still wearing their thick winter jackets and wooly hat’s when the rest of us are walking around in vests and shorts… Thinking about it now though maybe they’re not as odd as first thought! Perhaps they continue to wear their winter woolys because they know what to expect of the British summer on a whole!

Of course it’s not all doom and gloom here in the UK, the heat exhaustion of the into an insignificant blips on the summer radar when you notice how much there is to do! The buzzword of the summer in UK has to be ‘Festival’ with a music event seeming to happen wherever organizers can find an unused field. Most notably The Leeds Reading Festival, Love Box, T In The Park and who could forget festival of free love Glastonbury! These festivals how now become somewhat of a British heritage with tickets selling out almost immediately after going on sale!

Also around the 20th of June the population develops a sudden interest in Pimms and the sale of strawberries increases ten-fold. Cliff Richard makes an appearance from his cryogenic chamber to show the world that he hasn’t aged in Fifty years and the Nation places it’s trust in whatever tennis player that stupid hill is named after! (This is the part when I mention Wimbledon, a miserable Scottish guy and more rain!)

Britain also takes it as a given that whenever the sun is out, a simple trip to the seaside must be filled with as much stress as humanly possible. Expect traffic jams and road rage on the journey there and a general battle for the last square inch of sand on arrival if you’re popping to the beach this summer. This great British past time has been well documented through the ages and is possibly still the number one thing to do during the summer. There’s nothing better than having a ride on a donkey, building sand castles, dropping your ice cream in the sand and spending all of your hard earned cash in the amusements, grabbing yourself some good old fish and chips before heading home to display your lobster sunburn to your family and friends! If the British seaside holiday doesn’t float your boat another popular thing to do is book a flight to a far off destination and enjoy the beaches there!

But whether you’re one of those people that can’t wait to get out of Britain during the summer or a serial festivalgoer, a fat lass with a love for small clothes or a sun worshipper trying your hardest to top up your tan, you have got to love the British summertime for what it is; Ten minutes of good weather followed by a long bout of rain, sleet and snow. So make the most of it whilst it’s here and lets face it… we’d moan whatever the weather!



A Right Royal Mess!

Hello World! Once again it’s been far too long since my last instalment and for that I have to say… what did you expect?!

I pick up this blog after Britain united in the mass hysteria that was the Royal Wedding.  On the 29th of April you couldn’t get away from it. Royal Wedding fever hit the nation and it would seem that everyone wanted to jump on the bandwagon. Rumours circled a few days before the wedding that people were having street parties and get togethers to celebrate, proving that once again us in good old Blighty find any type of excuse for a knees up!

I personally tried to flee from the hype of it all, which in itself proved a near impossibility with balloons, bunting and for some bizarre reason personal messages for the happy couple in Three Foot letters across shop windows. Every television channel boasted to have ‘The Best’ coverage of proceedings and it wouldn’t have surprised me to hear that QVC had shut up shop for the day! The whole World was watching, and coverage started from about 7am with random people saying what the couple would probably be doing at said times of the morning, most of it was complete bullshit like “Wills and Harry are probably eating a sausage sandwich and drinking a glass of port right now’. The likelihood was that our future King was either still asleep or having a morning shit!

The day unfolded as a wedding day usually does with guests arriving then the Grooms party followed a little later by the Bride, which by the reaction of the crowds was a complete surprise to them. Commoner Kate took forever to walk the aisle and seemed to be loving the fact that she had the right to walk so bloody slow. Perhaps she was weighing up her future subjects and deciding which she will have beheaded.

The dress was one of the most talked about subject of the day, who was it made by? How long was the train? What colour was the dress? Whether she’d turn up naked? Turns out that she was indeed wearing a wedding dress designed by Alexandra McQueen and it was very nice! (What more do you want?)

The ceremony was long and drawn out and they said the ‘I do’ bits and they were married, which was good because that was the whole intention of the day.

The Newlyweds then took a trip to have a very subtle peck on the lips for their ‘first kiss’ when really you could see that Wills wanted nothing more than to get her home and give his new wife a damn good royal seeing to! I could tell by the look on Harry’s face that if Will didn’t take her away soon that he’d have a go! Basically the day ended there and through one wedding the Royal family extended their popularity for another 20 years!

To sum up the royal wedding, it was like a real life Disney movie, complete with the dashing Prince Charming, A lucky common woman, horse drawn carriages, A heart-warming theme tune and even the peasants in the streets celebrating with flagons of mead!

Not to be upstaged, 4 days later America decided that Great Britain had had too much attention and played their trump card by declaring that they had killed a man they had been looking for, for the past 11 years! Yes we’re talking about the death of Osama Bin Laden. Plenty of opportunities for the conspiracy theorists to sink their teeth into this one too! Shot Dead, Body Taken, Examined, Confirmed and Dumped at sea all before the day was out! Hmmmm… Something smells a little fishy there and I’m not just talking about Bin Ladens boot-straps!

I’m not going to get too political about this but is there any wonder that the World are more than a little suspicious of this ground shaking news when no evidence has been paraded? The news was greeted in America by people taking to the streets and chanting U.S.A making it seem like some sort of Worldwide sporting event, one that could replace the clay pigeon shoot at the Olympic games perhaps?! “And taking the Gold medal for terrorist shoot… United States Of America!” I’d watch it!

The outcome of this news is pretty uncertain, putting the whole world on tenterhooks like a particularly good episode of Eastenders, just an episode with slightly more bloodshed, less Cockney’s and with more real life repercussions!

So there you go, a couple of events that have ended April and started May! What’s in store for us over the coming Months I don’t know, but I do know one thing… I’ll have something to say about them.




Hello World. Not very often you get one of these from me but brace yourselves for a serious post! As everyone is well aware (Unless you happen to live in a media free environment, on the moon or are just absolutely oblivious to what’s happening beyond your front door!) the crisis in Japan following the devastating Earthquake and the consequent Tsunami has continued to get worse. With Thousands either missing or dead and with the rest of the immediate population living with short supply of food, fresh water and without electricity. They have lost homes and loved ones!

Now with the raised threat of a nuclear nightmare the people of Japan really need help. Everyone is talking about how bad the situation is but how many have actually acted on their words? I am therefore writing this post to ask you, the readers to donate anything you can to Japanese Earthquake & Tsunami Relief Fund (Global Giving). You can do this by clicking on the picture at the bottom of this post or the highlighted link above and simply putting the amount you wish to donate in the box. Every little helps!

Thank you for your time and hopefully your donations.


A Late 2010 Review

2010 Review

Hello World, Happy New Year and all that jazz! You are most certainly looking fantastic… Have you lost weight? You’re looking good!!! I apologize, but the end of 2010 presented a hint of writers block and therefore production ground to a halt… But I don’t need to say sorry to you do I? You all understand right?

It has taken 27 days of the New Year to even contemplate starting this post, which in the scheme of things wouldn’t seem so bad! But when one of your many New Years resolutions was to spend more time writing the blog it would translate that I’ve spent 27 days simply thinking about doing it! I’ve also just realised whilst writing, that this 27th thing may hold some hidden mysticism, what with this being my 27th year on this planet! But anyway that aside here I am about to embark on an epic review of 2010. Yes I know that it’s 27 days into 2011, however good things come to those who wait and I think reviews on day One of 2011 are so last year!

The easiest way to do this is to split it into convenient sections for your viewing pleasure, that way if a certain subject doesn’t interest you then you can totally bypass it! However to receive the entire intended effect I suggest you digest the full article in its full text based wonderment! So with nothing but the coffee in this oversized mug I will begin!


2010’s television delivered a right mixed bag didn’t it? A cockney based tele-visual drama being one of the most talked about. Yes I am talking about ‘Eastenders’! This was the soaps 25th anniversary episode, which was to be performed LIVE! The whole Cluedo styled whodunit storyline was about to reach its crescendo. We’d already established that Archie Mitchell’s murder took place in ‘The Vic’ with ‘The Bust’, we just needed to find out who had killed him! It would seem that everyone in Walford had it in for poor Archie (God Bless Him!) yet none of the cast were told who had killed him until the live episode had started. The episode itself was pure car crash television, watching the actors bumble through fluffed lines and the apparent life signs of a dead Bradley after he’d fallen from a buildings roof were nothing short of comedic! But hey they can be let off; it’s live after all! Turns out that it was Stacey who done it guvnor!

Not to outdone, Coronation Street had a go later in the year for it’s 50th anniversary, with an anything you can do I can do better mentality! ‘Four Funerals and A Wedding’ was set to be aired live on the ITV and from all of the hype generated and housewives shouting from the roofs, this was set to be the greatest thing ever! In reality it was exactly what it was ‘A tram crash!’ Yes Corra went for the disaster storyline, one which usually happens when writers are running out of material and are desperately tying to increase viewing figures. Plot was thus, A gas explosion causes a tram to derail straight into the street. Luckily the tram, which looked like it could have come from Chuggington, landed on a few characters, killing a few and not killing the rest! Simple as that, and what made me laugh the most was the amount of disappointment that followed the episode the next day… The entire Nation was saddened! That’s what you get when you hype something up to be Die Hard Coronation Street and it turns out to be My Little Pony… but shit!

But aside from taking the piss 2010 television brought us some absolute gems, ‘Eric & Ernie’ on the BBC being one of the best things I’ve seen on television ever! This drama of the becoming of one of our best comedy duos was filled with solid performances from the entire cast and I have to admit I was gutted when the titles rolled at the end!

Other television highlights included the end of Big Brother and Jeremy Kyle getting hit by a chav with an envelope!


2010 Offered us some great films didn’t it?! The year of the flicky started well for me with the offering of ‘Kick Ass’, a film that in my opinion was going to be my film of the year hands down (See Review)… Oh how wrong I was! On the 25th of August 2010 Kick-Ass was completely trounced by the release of Edgar Wright’s (Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz, Spaced) Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. The adaptation of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s graphic novels was by far the movie of the year in my humble opinion (and it does matter!!!) Michael Cera played the roll of Scott Pilgrim who falls in love with Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) but has to defeat her 7 Evil Ex’s to ultimately be with her! The entire cast performs superbly and Edgar’s vision proves once again that he is one of Britain’s best directors.

Another outing for Disney’s Pixar in 2010 brought back one of the greatest franchises with the release of Toy Story 3. Woody, Buzz and cast reunite with a host of others in what could be their final outing on the big screen and I wasn’t disappointed! Funny in all the right places and damn heart wrenching in others (trust me if you don’t well up at the furnace scene you have no heart!)

Runner up for film of 2010 for me was ‘Inception’. Christopher Nolan crafting a beautiful yet at times confusing thriller starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Caine and ‘Juno’ star Ellen Page.  In this film technology exists that allows people to enter peoples dreams and with that theory in mind all amount of confusion unfolds! The dream, within a dream, within a dream concept is enough to question what the fuck is going on! If you can’t keep up with the unraveling story you are bound to get lost and will probably have to watch this over a few times before you’ll finally understand it. Another great cast Joseph Gordan-Levitt (500 Day’s Of Summer, 10 Things I Hate About You) giving a great performance and Tom Hardy, who has recently been confirmed to play ‘Bane’ in Christopher Nolan’s new Batman movie.

Other highlights included another Twilight movie (Eclipse), the first part of the last Harry Potter movie (:-() and Iron Man 2 in which Robert Downey replays his great performance as Tony Stark which makes you really look forward to him in the upcoming ‘Avengers’ movie!


2010 proved to be a bit of a disaster for those who inhabit planet Earth. Starting the year off quite literally with a bang, Mother Nature in all her glory popped open a volcano in Iceland (not the frozen food outlet, although this may have wiped out Kerry Katona and her fucking prawn ring! So a bit of a disappointment!) This volcano spewed out volcanic ash (funnily enough,) which caused 11 days of travel chaos, grounded flights and general apocalyptic opinions across Britain… was this really the beginning of the end of existence? Was nice to see a Scottish guy on Sky News giving us his thoughts.

Mother Nature decided to fuck a few other things up in 2010 providing and Earthquake in Haiti and massive floods in Pakistan. One of the worst things that she threw up at us though was David ‘Gordon From Thomas the Tank Engine’ Cameron and professional bullshitter Nick Clegg! Yes 2010 was dominated by politics with the general election in which nobody quite won! A coalition was formed between The Conservatives and The Liberal Democrats (Con-Dems) and between them they were going to save the world. Later this policy backfired slightly with Clegg going against some of his original statements when he decided to hike up University fees. Cue student protests and general public disorder as teachers and students alike rioted and ran amuck around the capital! It was like a scene from a zombie movie and all in all pretty good other than some complete mong’s that spoilt everything by setting fire to stuff and one throwing a fire extinguisher at a policeman from the top floor of an office block (Well done!) Overall the riots proved that students are just as bad as sulking teenagers and their stomping about didn’t get the government to turn around on the increase of fees, in fact it was like a big ‘fuck you!’ for all the rioting!

Other highlights included the ‘Bigot-gate’ scandal in which Gordon Brown called a fat woman a bigot whilst the media was watching. Cue hilarity when said media told the fat, old bigot woman and Gordon had to go to her house and apologise!

The Jeremy ‘Hunt’ radio blunder caused the nation to giggle like little school kids when presenter James ‘excuse the pun’ Naughtie publicly said what the nation was thinking live on air.

Also the World watched as some Chilean miners were rescued from their fate, a woman throws a cat in a wheely-bin and the Prince (not the artist formally known as) invited us all to their wedding next year… how nice!


2010 was World Cup year proving once again that England are shit at everything to do with sport. After an embarrassingly short lived competition which saw us well and truly taught a lesson by the Germans, the overpaid prima donnas retreated to their luxury resort to relax and spend money. Rooney spat his dummy out and slagged off England fans, which booed the squad after a match (and he wonders why we don’t like him?)! Overall the outcome of the world cup was that, like England, Vuvuzelas do not belong in the sport!

World Cup aside other stories to come out of 2010 were that nearly every sports star couldn’t keep their cocks in their pants. First John Terry shags everyone, then Wayne Rooney does himself justice by shagging a couple of prostitutes while his wife sat at home up the duff. Golfer Tiger Woods showed the footballers why the two sports compliment each other by shagging the entire female population of the world!

Finally pop favourite Ashley Cole takes a photo of himself in what only can be described as a nappy!

In general and as a bit of a sum up 2010 was pretty shit with recession and the deficit being the things mentioned the most and if I’m being honest I reckon that 2011 will be dominated by those two words (joy!)

So there you have it, a very late, but quick little sum up of the year of 2010 ends!

Word for 2011 – Deficit


On Modern Art

Hello you beautiful people and welcome to yet another article from yours truly. I hope you’re all well, and yes you should definitely buy those shoes!

It is an age-old question, and one that will continue to be asked, and argued, for lifetimes to come. That question is, “What is constituted as art?”

A recent trip to Liverpool had me pondering that very question!

A trip to ‘The Tate Modern’ was on the cards, written in black and white on our itinerary of things to do whilst in ‘The City Of Culture!’ Now this was a place I had obviously read about and heard of, however it wasn’t a place that I had plotted within my 1000 things to do before I died, in fact above which placed ‘Morris dancing in Sherwood Forrest’ and ‘Recreating The Battle Of The Somme at the local swimming baths’. My opinion of Tate Modern before entering was that inside it’s walls held pieces of work by ‘Artists’ who in reality, couldn’t be arsed to create Art! That they were paid stupid amounts of money for things the average Joe (You & Me) would throw in the bin… I was not disappointed! It would seem that having a shit in the corner and popping a little flag in it would be happily accepted into Tate’s collection!

As I walked around the rooms I was clearly out of my comfort zone as people discussed a pile of logs arranged in a circle with passion, stood and stared at a mans urinal in a display case and generally ponced around as art types usually do! I stopped for a moment to look at three basketballs suspended in a fish tank. This piece was by an artist called Jeff Koons and was called ‘Equilibrium’ and basically consisted of three orange basketballs in a tank full of water at varying heights and widths. Evidently I had been staring at the tank a little too intently, as if from nowhere a woman appeared behind me and asked,  “What do you see?”

I gave an honest answer, which went down like the Titanic. I said that I saw three basketballs in a tank of water! Which I did! Clearly this was the incorrect answer! The next thing the woman is stood in front of me, arms folded, and looking at me like I’d just killed her Mother and shat on her new carpet! The rest of my group had caught up with me now and the woman saw this as an opportunity to ask the same question with more enthusiasm to the rest of us! The girls asked if it represented ‘traveling through life’ as the balls seemed to be arranged in a way that made it them seem like it was flying up and then dropping! The woman then did the worse thing she could have done and said that the arrangement of the balls was actually not as the artist had intended them to be, and that in fact they were meant to be equally spaced and at the same height in the middle of the tank. So this bloody Jeff Koons hadn’t even done a proper job. He had created art that as I said before he couldn’t be arsed to do and then couldn’t even be arsed to do what he set out to do!

As the rest of them tried to find the hidden meaning behind the flawed water balls, I snuck away to look at some more ‘modern art’. I saw a piece by Armand Fernandez called ‘Condition Of  Woman’ which was meant to raise questions about value, bring private life into the public domain and examine the image of woman constructed by society! Very poignant stuff I’m sure you’ll agree! However the actual work was just a load of shit collected from a bathroom cabinet and shoved in a Perspex case. It contained:-

A Condom

A Hand Mirror

Some Cotton Wool

A Single Stocking

Nail Varnish

A Bottle

And the thing that really brings this art piece to life… A tampon!

Another example of ‘Modern Art’ just being a case of not being arsed! This guy has just emptied his cupboard and took it round to Tate rather than throwing it in the fucking bin where it belongs!!!

Having enough of room number one we drifted into room number two which for a little while I started to see exhibits that I sort of enjoyed for probably the wrong reasons. Such as ‘Ska’s Not Dead’ by Jim Lamble, which was basically a DJ deck, covered in pink and spinning, which I could explain, but from it hung a black glove with safety pins in it?! Also other highlights included the Potato producing electricity and a video of two guys sat in bowler hats getting pissed… now that is art! We even had an attempt at creating some modern art of our own. One of us simply took off a shoe and left it in a corner… it wasn’t long before people were gathering around it trying to guess it’s mystical significance! Which sort of backs up my argument of modern art being bullshit! If not I’m sure the next couple of displays will 100% confirm it!

Number 1:-

A collection of photographs of milk bottle on doorsteps… An Artist or a bored Milkman?

And the ultimate waste of time, which made me want to throw myself out of a window in sheer frustration! It was this absolute beauty by a guy called Michael Craig-Martin.

An Oak Tree… This is what the plaque says:-

While this appears to be a glass of water on a shelf, the artist states that it is in fact an oak tree.

NO IT FUCKING ISN’T AN OAK TREE… IT’S A GLASS OF WATER ON A FUCKING SHELF!!! Go on look at the picture… It’s a glass of water on a shelf!

The final room we went into was a little better, an interactive experience of a disco dance floor encouraged people to put on headphones and have a dance, which I took them up on the kind offer and danced to the Bee-Gees in pure 70’s disco euphoria!

It sounds like I have been really negative about everything in Tate and to be fair on a hole it is full of shite, however in between the rubbish that’s in there are some absolute gems that even I had fun trying to decipher and I think it is trying to find these gems that makes art fun!

So back to my original question ‘What is constituted as art?’

I haven’t a fucking clue!

Personally I think Art is anything that leaves an effect on you, positive or negative, and gets you talking and passionate about a subject… and the Tate Modern in Liverpool has certainly fulfilled that mission statement!

A Loss Of Innocence?

Hello World, may I say you’re looking really good today! Welcome to another post from yours truly, and thank you for joining me. Today’s rant may come across as the first signs of old age setting in, but as you continue to read I’m confident that the majority of you will begin to agree with some if not all of my ramblings. So with a deep breath, a sip of the coffee and a hint of nostalgia I shall begin.

Now is it just me or is it that the youth of today has completely lost it’s innocence? I mean just take a look around you when you’re walking the streets (I’m not suggesting any of you are homeless!) You see that girl there passing by? She looks like she’s been around a bit right? The bags under the heavily made up eyes? The short skirt and the Ugg boots? The leg warmers and the tutus? The strange orange tint to her skin tone? I see you nodding your head… Now look again… more than likely she’s not turned 16 yet! Now I don’t want this post to get too heavy, my opening gambit is simply to illustrate the modern day loss of innocence. Young girls (more so than boys,) are dressing and acting a lot older than their years, image has replaced personality in a big way. Take for instance the groups of young teenage girls you see walking around the town centre on a weekend, all clones of each other, same hair, same clothes, same make up, same class orange ‘Piz Buin’ UK tans. It would seem that standing out from the crowd does not compute for youth these days, it seems that you must conform to a certain look! Is it this clone mentality that see’s the amount of employees at McDonald’s increase? I think it’s a certain idea that trying to look older will somehow benefit you in some way, but to what extent? I mean you still can’t legally have booze until you’re 18 and when you’re on a night out the bar staff and bouncers are supposed to ‘Challenge 21’ (which doesn’t ever really happen!) It was easy enough to get your hands on a bit of booze from somewhere when you was a kid when I was growing up, but to be honest not one kid could admit that they enjoyed the taste of beer back then. If anything it made you want to wait until you was a bit older in hope that your body would suddenly develop taste buds that would make beer taste like Robinson’s fruit barley! (It never happened!) Back then it felt like an achievement if you got into a nightclub when you were 16, and made you thoroughly enjoy spending the tenner your Mum and Dad gave you for getting a cinema ticket and getting sweets for the sleep over at your mates! Now the youth of today have under 18 nights at nightclubs, where because of age restraints on selling alcohol to under-agers, the £10 you’d get pissed on when going out under age back in the day, can now convert into two bottle of Pepsi and an orange cordial! What I’m trying to say is that when I was a kid I was looking forward to getting older so that I could experience nights out and nightclubs, where as now kids have had the experience of a nightclub before they’re 18 (just minus the booze and the girls throwing up in the corner!)

I suppose all of this loss of innocence isn’t so much of a surprise when you look at the way media has affected kids lives these days! With programmes such as ’16 and Pregnant’, ‘The Sex Education Show’ and the like, magazine articles on everything from ‘What you should be doing with your life’, ‘What you should wear’, ‘What you should eat’, to ‘Who’s hot and who’s not!’ Children are actively being encouraged to grow up swiftish and choose role models that struggle enough with their own lives that evidently they don’t have time to look after themselves!

Anyway I’m loosing my track of thought now, and to be fair it just sounds like I’m being a grumpy old man! But anyone with children or and children that happen to read this pitiful article, my point is don’t grow up/let them grow up too quickly… enjoy childhood for what it is, a truly fun time! Growing up will wait for you!!! With that almost poetic final flourish I’m off that perhaps I’ve changed a few lives… and ‘Shagging at 13, Pregnant, Anorexic & Famous’ is on in Ten minutes… Just kidding!

Much Love